Save the Penguins!

Posted on 01. Mar, 2010 by Erika Kim in Debate

Peter Katz contributed reporting for this article.

There is a problem that has been weighing heavily on our minds since the Adventist Intercollegiate Association meeting in Washington, D.C., last year.  During that meeting, we had the opportunity to travel to St. Peter’s (The GC building) to see the Pope (Jan Paulsen).  Along the way, to build anticipation, they showed us a great many completely uninteresting desks where somewhat interesting people do mostly uninteresting things.  Of those things, the most interesting was a giant globe, where, when our guide pushed a button, all the Adventist missions around the world would light up.  She did it.  People oohed and aahed.  We were horrified.

There were no lights on Antarctica.

Do you know what this means?   There are penguins who do not know about Jesus!  Our little black-and-white brothers are every day dying without knowing their Lord and Savior.  Each penguin mercilessly slaughtered by a leopard seal (see alumna Jaylene Chung’s article on leopard seals)[1] will waddle about confusedly on the day of the Second Coming, only to be consumed by fire in the second death.  This is a crisis for our church far more important than the origin of the universe or homo***uality.

Speaking of which, just pray about this example.  Two penguins at a zoo in Germany—granted, this is a European zoo, and therefore, completely evil—Z and Vielpunkt, are homo***uals.  Yes.  You heard us.  Penguins committing the ultimate sin.  They were even allowed to hatch an egg together.  We are not sure if this says more about the Germans or penguins, but we are fairly certain that both of them need some severe evangelizing.  To the face.

In the discussion of penguin breeding habits, Wikipedia talks about their agonistic behaviors.  Seeing as we are both English majors, we do not actually understand what this means, but we do know that it is suspiciously close to the word “agnostic,” which is code for “pansy atheist.”  And whose fault is this?  Ours.

According to Wikipedia, the first penguin fossils date back to 62 million years ago.  Do you understand what this implies?  Penguins still believe in evolution.  Forget La Sierra; an entire continent believes that they came from monkeys.  Honestly, we are not entirely sure what penguins believe they came from, but whatever it is, if it wasn’t the third day of creation, it is wrong.

Two major species of penguin are the “Emperor” and “King” penguins.  Yes, you heard us.  Not only do penguins believe in homo***uality, not only are they agnostics, not only do they believe in evolution, they also do not know about democracy. This is a travesty that has moved beyond religion to the very essence of being.  As Christians, and most importantly, as Amurrkans, we are obligated to stop this madness.

The C2 therefore advocates the following.  First, we must spread democracy across Antarctica via the use of various and sundry long-range missiles.  Once the initial strike is complete, we must land cold-weather troops at key points across the continent, where they can set up road blocks and begin working with the locals to stomp out any cute little “insurgents.”  After peace has been established, and an interim democratic government has been set up, it is our time.  Armed with our Bibles, The Great Controversy, and love in our hearts, we must storm the pagan shores of penguindom and bring them to the gates of heaven.

Tags: 86.6, humor, penguins, satire