Madison Johnson Revealed

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Peter Katz in Campus

As most of the campus knows, about a month ago, there was a mystery/scandal on Facebook with a profile named “Madison Johnson.”  C2 suggested that the goings-on behind this profile were something possibly sinister.  Recent developments have prompted us to rescind that statement, and we would like to, with our sincerest apologies, present this interview with the horribly misaligned Madison Johnson.

C2: I feel so terrible, I’m not really sure where to start.  Let’s begin with who you are.

MJ: My name is Madison Johnson, and I’m a freshman aviation major who lives in McReynolds.  I’m really shy, and when I’m not at class, I’m in my dorm playing WOW, so I rarely interact with other people.  Also, I have a lot of food allergies, so I rarely go to caf’.  That’s why I created a Facebook account to branch out and meet other people.

C2: So, you got on Facebook to interact with other PUC students.  Why didn’t you have a picture when you first started out?

MJ: Well, it’s a little embarrassing.  I have this really strange skin condition.  It’s like a mixture of eczema and really bad acne.  My friends back home tell me it’s not that bad, but posting pictures online makes me feel self conscious.

C2: I’m sorry.  I understand that, but it doesn’t prevent you from responding to people’s comments.  It looks a little shady when you get 500 friends, and don’t say anything to any of them.  Why did that happen?

MJ: Shortly after I sent out friend requests, I accidentally sent some pictures of a party I was at to Dean Riebe, when I meant to send them to someone whose last name is Rieber.  I had no idea what kind of trouble it would cause for [the desk worker].  I feel terrible for it.

C2: So, let’s see if I follow this.  You started a Facebook account, sent an accidental email—and then decided it would be less incriminating to just stay silent?  Sorry if I seem hostile, but that doesn’t make a lot of sense.

MJ:  Quickly after all that happened, I swore off the internet for a month.  Apparently people were trying to get a hold of me, and I had no idea.

C2: Surely you must know someone on campus, so you would have heard about the article we printed on line.

MJ:  Getting [the desk worker] in trouble bothered me to the point where I dropped out for the rest of the quarter.   I went home to recollect myself.

C2: Which, I suppose, explains why Records said you weren’t enrolled last quarter.  So, you reach the end of your month, log on, and what happened?  What did you think?

MJ: Wow.  There was such a huge reaction to my presence on Facebook, and more than half of the things that people were angry about were things I didn’t even realize I had done.  I was terrified when I realized how many people were angry, and I was overwhelmed when trying to begin damage control.  I was so misunderstood already that I didn’t know where to start.  I stopped logging onto Facebook because people were either really really p***d off, or accusing me of being the administration, and I was just [gestures] aaaah.

C2:  Well, I’m glad you called me.  I wish there was more I could do to rectify things.  Have you spoken with [the desk worker] or the Dean about all of this?

MJ:  [Sighs]. Honestly, at this point I want to put it all behind me.  I haven’t resolved it, but I’m done dealing with it.  It’s a huge mess, and my hope is this interview will work to clear stuff up.

C2: I hope so, too, and I again want to offer my apologies to you and the campus.  This whole thing was a giant mistake.

PUC Student Uncovers an Inconvenient Truth about Ambs Hal

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Erika Kim in Campus

Have you walked past the building between Graf and Irwin Hall and wondered, “What is that used for?”  That building is called Ambs Hall, and while it may look like an innocent abandoned building, it’s not.  Ambs Hall is made to look like an “abandoned” building built as a front by xx to hide the fact that it’s a detention facility where they “rehabilitate” misbehaving students.  It’s not an abandoned building.  If anything, it’s the most occupied and active building on this campus.

Ambs Hall has three levels, a first floor, second floor, and basement.  The first floor looks like a classroom, and the second floor looks like a kitchen and tea party room, but it’s the basement that is the cause of concern.  The basement level of that hall looks suspiciously like a mini version of the type of place that James Bond was taken to after the Aston Martin crash in Casino Royale.  It is dimly lit, creepy as hell, and makes you feel like you’re probably getting a tetanus infection as you walk in.  The only real difference is that the basement in Ambs Hall is smaller.

The secret operations of Ambs Hall include the use of “‘‘‘‘‘‘friendly”’’’’’’’ chat, aka aggressive interrogation tactics like good cop bad cop, waterboarding, and mild electric shocks that generally put the subject under tremendous amounts of mental and physical trauma and strip them of their dignity.  These are just a few of the known methods that are used on the rule breakers of the school.  Those who violate curfew, weekend leave rules, alcohol and drug policy, or do anything else that falls under the umbrella of “bad behavior” (whatever that means) are black bagged and kindly escorted by two huge dudes to Ambs Hall in the middle of the night when nobody else is on campus and subjected to this “friendly” interrogation.

If one of your friends is extra dazed, looks like they haven’t slept for weeks, has dark circles around their eyes, and gives you dirty looks when you comment or ask about it, Ambs Hall might be why.  Unfortunately this method isn’t foolproof because sometimes that look comes from something called “dead week” which like Ambs Hall, is allegedly inactive.  In fact, as a side note, I suggest that we change the name “dead week” to “alive and kicking week that is on crack” because it is, in fact, the least dead week out of the every quarter.

You may be thinking, “Don’t college students look tired because they are tired?  Wouldn’t that be a more logical explanation?”  You would think so, but that’s exactly what they want you to think.  Professors are forced to assign us excessive homework to make us look tired.  We could probably glean the same amount of knowledge without the level of work we have to do right now, but we are forced to spend our time pouring over our books to distract us from the real cause of students looking tired.  In addition to fabricating a perfectly logical explanation to explain why students looking so tired, they employ mind-altering drugs during the interrogation session to make it impossible for us to think anything else.  Logical explanations are the most dangerous when false, because they make so much sense.  Unfortunately, the truth doesn’t always make sense.

You may be wondering how I’ve been able to access this information.  The reason I know this is because I have snuck into the building for curiosity’s sake and saw them when they were “rehabilitating” Jane Doe, John Smith, and Madison Johnson.  If you’ve ever watched a movie, this is the part when the xx is in private with their subjects at their mercy, and when that happens, xx tend to go on soliloquies that reveal all the motives, methods, and secrets of the administration.  I wrote down all of xx’s methods on a notebook and hid them in my shirt, before being caught and subjected to the rehabilitation.  I woke up the next day feeling especially tired, and my eyes looked bruised.  I assumed I had a rough night of studying, but was surprised to find crumpled up notes in my shirt explaining what had happened the night before to the other students.  It wasn’t hard to guess from there that the same had happened to me, too.

I hope this article explains some of the mysteries and myths behind Ambs Hall and why PUC students always look so tired.  You shouldn’t be worried about being taken to Ambs Hall because by the time this article goes into print, the whole operation will be abandoned.  However, I felt it was necessary to write this article to bring awareness to what kind of horrible injustices took place in the basement of Ambs Hall.

New Convert Takes Special-K out of Loaf

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Craig Hickerson in Community

After recently converting to Adventism, Sara Sanesten already has trouble with the SDA health message. Sanesten, a 47-year-old Napa Valley native, has officially refused to add cereal to the traditional potluck dish because she felt it was simply “absurd.” “The fluffy brown flakes don’t give the dish the right consistency,” says Sanesten, “The whole thing just isn’t my taste; it’s downright disgusting.”

The issue began when Elma was invited by a neighbor to the Redwood Campmeeting, where several odd culinary concoctions surfaced. “There were these things called Haystacks that were similar to Taco Salad and a whole family of fake meats, but the worst was this loaf that I politely ate only after offering it to a dog who refused the dish with good reason.” Convinced to join the church by the speaker of the event, Sanesten became a member of a local SDA church in her area where the food issue only increased.

Active in the church body, Sanesten, a skilled chef as well as a medical researcher in the Napa Valley, became increasingly aware of the differences between she and the church while in the kitchen. “Since I hated that loaf so much I figured that I couldn’t be the only one. So, I decided to make it differently with flavorful meats for the next church potluck,” said Sanesten, “By the time the potluck was over, everyone’s dishes were completely empty except for mine. The pastor had taken one piece because he felt bad, but after taking a bite he threw it away. Other than that, my dish had not been touched.” It was after the potluck that Sanesten found out that the main ingredient in the special loaf was actually Special K, the common breakfast cereal. In addition, Sanesten was informed of the practice of vegetarianism in the church. “I was astonished and became curious of their eating habits because so many of the members were overweight. It made me wonder what exactly was in those fake meats.”

Though Sanesten still is convicted of the church fundamentals, she no longer makes food for church activities. Instead, Sanesten uses her skill set to do research on meat substitutes that are popular in the church. “Strange things happen to the mice I feed Big Franks and MultiGrain Cutlets to. Some of the side effects include obesity and compulsive Sabbath keeping,” remarked Sanesten, “You should see them; every Saturday they just sit there, or sometimes go on walks.”

Underground Tribe Discovered in PUC Steam Tunnels

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Jonathan Pichot in Campus

With the administration’s attention tied up because of recent allegations of price fixing in the cafeteria, they were caught off guard today when the Napa Sheriff announced the results of an investigation into a secret society literally under their feet.

“We’ve been investigating this for months,” said Napa Sheriff Doug Koford at a press conference in St. Helena. “We’ve taken into custody several key individuals who have been living in the steam tunnels under the campus of Pacific Union College. It appears they have been there for quite some time. Several of them are currently being held in St Helena Hospital undergoing treatment for an unknown eye disease similar to that found in moles. Several of them also had severe burns, allegedly from the steam pipes themselves.”

The tunnels, which connect all the buildings on the lower campus, run steam from the maintenance plant to heating systems around the school. They can be accessed at several points on campus below metal covers or drainage holes.

The Sheriff’s office began to first suspect the unusual residents when it first received several calls from frightened residents in Angwin reporting theft of their flowers and other outdoor plants by what looked like a small, hairy human. One eyewitness described the thief as “hobbit-like.”

“It was late. I was about to go to bed when I heard a ruckus outside. I thought it was the neighbor’s cat. But when I looked outside I saw this big animal. It almost looked like a human, hunched over,” said Eleanor Bigsby, long-time resident of Angwin.

The police say they discovered the inhabitants by placing a watch near PUC Elementary, where several of the reports had been made.

“I saw him around 2 in the morning, creeping up to one of the houses I was watching,” said Charles Bauer, the deputy on watch one evening. “I got out of my car and called to him. He looked up at me like a startled animal and rushed off. I chased him, but before I could catch up, he’d crawled into a drainage pipe.”

The subsequent investigation revealed a complex underground village made up of 9 families each with their own private living quarters. The underground village even included the equivalent of an underground town square near the cafeteria.

“It appears the suspects would raid the cafeteria pantry on occasion,” said the Sheriff.

A total of 38 people had made their home under PUC.

The college will not be pressing charges against the group. Instead, its psychology and social work departments are excited to interview the underground residents for a fascinating case study on small, tribal communities.

Public Safety Parking Announcement

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Craig Hickerson in Campus

Due to the number of parking violations and accidents on campus, Public Safety has released a map outlining a few things to keep in mind when managing your car. Please remember that this map is only a guide and does not omit any of the current parking regulations.

Senator Declares Alcohol Un-American, Communist

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Peter Katz in Campus

Responding to recent rumors of issues with alcohol in the dorm, Andre senator Josephina MacCarthay issued a public statement in which she declared, “Alcohol is leftist, weak, communist—and therefore, un-American.”  Senator MacCarthay called on desk workers and RAs alike to “stand up against the fermented tide of immorality that threatens to sweep out to its lecherous sea the very essence of the American-Adventist woman.”

In her statement to the SA Senate, MacCarthay outlined the “sinful swath that Satan’s nectar carves” in an Adventist student: “First, as Sister White says, ‘reason is paralyzed,’ which leads to irrational acts, such as sex, which have irrevocable consequences—unwanted pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases, and ultimately, dancing.”

Worse than the immorality of alcohol, MacCarthay proclaimed, is the immediate tie between alcohol and “the Devil’s politics”: communism.  At one point in her speech, MacCarthay leaned in on the podium and reminded the other senators that “Russia is known for two things: vodka, and communists.  It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”  When challenged on her logic, MacCarthay summarized, “Every time you take a drink, you may as well burn an American flag, or barbeque a bald eagle.”

After having established her platform, MacCarthay went on to single out those she deemed “the harbingers of the antichrist’s water of death.”  Beginning with those in the room, she identified Village Senator Jonathan Pichot, articulating her argument with perfect wit and logic: “He’s French.  There’s a reason it’s called ‘Red Wine.’  His blood is 50% alcohol, and 50% socialist pansy.”  According to MacCarthay, Pichot is “a threat to the Adventist family, the Adventist school system, and the Adventist church as a whole.”

Gesturing to the press chair, MacCarthay continued her crusade against moral collapse:  “I hardly think that I have to give any evidence when I say that C2 editor Peter Katz is a communist drunkard.  He’s Russian.  He’s openly socialist.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he drinks vodka strained through a copy of the Declaration of Independence.  Every time this school allows him to print another issue of his pseudo-intellectual propaganda, we spit on the graves of men like George Washington and John Kellogg.”

Later in her speech, MacCarthay praised the individual or group behind Madison Johnson, proclaiming that the operators of such a scheme “are true American heroes, and belong in the ranks of great men like Thomas Jefferson, Douglas MacArthur, and Ronald Reagan.”  She called on more students to take up the banner of “counter-communist espionage” on Facebook, Twitter, and other social-networking sites.  “We must take the battle against leftist alcohol to a new level,” MacCarthay insisted, “in order to let these pinko winos know that nowhere is safe, nowhere is private.”

The battle against “socialist softies” must move beyond cyberspace and into the real world, MacCarthay proclaimed: “The dorms are our new mission field—and I don’t mean missionary to Africa.  I mean Spanish Inquisition style.”  The senator called for dorm residents to search their bathmates’ rooms, check in the drawers at the front desk, listen in on conversations, and even keep an eye on roommates.  According to MacCarthay, the conflict over alcohol is “a controversy of … great … proportions,” that requires constant vigilance against “those who threaten the American-Adventist way of life.”

The best way to go about ensuring the safety of the “hearts and minds of Adventist youth,” MacCarthay said, is to “make profile lists of people who might be more prone to drink, for example, un-American majors like English and European history,” and then “watch those people like Uncle Sam’s big brother.”

Fists waving, MacCarthay concluded with a flourish, “The bottom line is this: we must hunt down each and every alcohol-drinking commie-loving un-American pinko on this campus and bring them to justice.  Our continued existence depends upon it.”

C2 Creates Complaint Department

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Peter Katz in Editorial

Ladies and gentlemen, your days of wanting to complain about the C2, but being too intimidated to talk to the six-and-a-half-feet tall, black belt, arrogant editor (goodness only knows why) are over.

Beginning this Spring Quarter, the C2 will hire Amanda Katz to serve as the C2 complaint department. “People are always coming up to me and telling me what they don’t like about the paper, anyway,” Katz said, “I may as well get paid for it.”

Katz brings nearly twenty years of relevant experience to her new position. “I’ve spent my whole life getting in trouble for things that he [Editor Peter Katz] has done,” Katz says. “He says something, I get in trouble for it. He writes something, people complain to me. It’s like my purpose in life is to deal with all the messes he makes.”

In high school, when Katz began her freshman year, the principal and several teachers automatically mistrusted her because of what her brother had done or said. “It was like they already had a file on me,” Katz recalls. “I started out in a hole that he had dug, and then he just kept throwing dirt on me.”

C2 Omni-assistant Editor Erika Kim is excited about the new addition to the staff. “Amanda is probably the best person I know when it comes to dealing with people being angry at Peter. Plus, she’s more than willing to get in a yelling match with someone, whereas Peter tends to just passive-aggressively print sarcastic insults in the paper when confronted.”

Next year’s C2 Editor, Melissa Totton, also supports the creation of the office. “I personally love yelling at Amanda,” Joseph admits. “It’s one of my favorite things to do. I’m actually thinking of keeping her on for next year.”

Thanks to reorganization of budgeting costs, the C2 is some $5000 under on its budget—all of which will be going to pay Katz for what she is about to undergo, except, according to Editor Peter Katz, “the $3000 I’m using to buy myself a car—a purchase about which I’m certain Amanda will be hearing, shortly.”

If you would like to lodge a complaint with Katz, please feel free to call her cell phone (530-555-9432) at any time, her room (x.9900) at any time between the hours of 2:00 a.m and 6:00 a.m., leave a note under her dorm room door, or just wait in her closet until she goes to sleep.

Prominent Media Personality Believes PUC is ‘Lost’

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Jonathan Pichot in Campus

A fast-rising Adventist media personality has recently turned his attention toward PUC.

Benn Gleck, the controversial 3ABN host, has said publicly that he fears for the future of the school.

“I really wish this wasn’t true, but PUC has been taken over by liberal elites,” Mr. Gleck said recently on his popular television show. “I might get in trouble with the ‘mainstream media’ folk at the Adventist Review for saying this, but PUC is no longer a good Adventist college. The professors attend secular conferences with their ‘peers’ from Godless schools. Students study things like Eco-theology. Eco-theology?! Mixing the commie Green movement with God is like mixing pork with big franks.”

“The school has shown a disdain for the beliefs of our founders,” Gleck continued. “Ellen and James would be ashamed at all the bare ankles and sleeveless shirts. And now they serve coffee! They might as well teach witchcraft! Oh wait, they already do. They have a Yoga class. The fascist liberals that run this school don’t understand our values.”

“Why can’t we go back to when life was simpler and students knew their place?” Gleck, holding back tears, said to the camera. “Where are the Home Ec classes where women learned their proper role, and Shop classes, where boys were made into men? Now they’re all mixed-up. Girls are in Biology studying to be doctors, and boys are in Nursing. Our young men and women have become confused. Don’t you see, our way of life is under siege, and with it, the future of our church.”

“The students have been brainwashed. They believe in ideas like ‘social justice’ and ‘women’s ordination’. But don’t you see? These are just code words for Nazism and Communism. They are words used to hide the liberal fascist agenda of destroying the foundations of our church. Their theology majors have to study philosophy. That’s an oxymoron. Religion is about Truth. Philosophy is about killing God. They’ve already let a Jew become their campus newspaper editor, and a Chinaman their religious vice president. What next?”

The guru concluded his interview with an offhanded comment regarding ministries: “Apparently they have a ‘homeless ministries’ on campus. Sounds to me like a bunch of socialists giving free handouts.”

Gleck hopes to speak for an upcoming colloquy, promising, “I’ll tell you something you don’t know.”

PUC to Implement New Dress Code

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Peter Katz in Campus

As spring approaches PUC (slowly, and hiding behind rain clouds), administrative powers once again face the quandary of being a Californian college.

A PUC Literature major alumnus once wrote “in Angwin/ when the rain goes away/ so do the pretty girls’ clothes.” Frequently accused of being overly liberal, the worldly nature of Californian sun and fashion accost the moral fortitude of both women and men—the former tempted to dress how the sinful world would like them, and the latter pulled in by the temptresses, and forced to do everything they can to objectify women at every given moment.

“It’s really not my fault,” says Andrew Williamson, a Grainger resident lurking on the balcony between the girls’ dorms and Stauffer Hall. “All I can do is try not to use my binoculars too much; it feels like cheating.”

Not everything is so easy, however. Newton resident James Jacobs notes, “At least with bikini caroling, they’re practically asking us to turn them into faceless bodies that we can use as objects to fulfill our own immature need to construct false ideals and destructive relationship patterns. In the summer, though, it’s not an event—it’s constant. We have to be more subtle.”

Inspired by the ideas of great thinkers like John Milton and Plato, this spring, PUC will seek to control the danger of sexuality by introducing a strict dress code. Women are to do everything possible to cover all traces of skin, armed guards will be posted in Graf circle, and classes will be separated by gender. “It’s not that we don’t trust the students,” said administrator George Livingston, “it’s that we understand how hard it is to be young. We know how easily the world can infiltrate even Theology majors. Well, not Theology majors. But everyone else. Definitely English majors.”

“I’m all for it,” said Larry Erikson, a prominent member of community organization Save Moral Angwin (SMA). “PUC has been a cesspit of sin ever since they stopped throwing people out of the dorm for wearing jewelry, seating people at the cafeteria through men’s and women’s entrances, and having guards at the exits from the campus.” His sign-waving peers agreed vehemently.

While PUC had for a time considered going to uniforms, ultimately, the powers that be decided against it. “It’s not that we want to control the students,” noted administrator Lily Rosenberg, “and besides—uniforms can be attractive, too.” She also wanted to assure students that color was not going to be an issue, commenting, “We want people to feel free to have style, without having too much style. Any color is acceptable. Except red, which has been shown to increase sexual drive. And green. And certain shades of blue when combined with a sort of goldenrod.”

In order to assist with comprehension, history professor Dr. Morton Wilder offered to teach a class entitled “Proper Dress through the Ages.” The professor said that the class would “place heavy emphasis on the seventeenth century Puritans and nineteenth century Victorians, only with less emphasis on the area between the stomach and neck.” The class would be mandatory, and lower division. While it would not have a major research paper involved, Dr. Wilder does want to “encourage students to explore the disintegration of proper dress, and hopefully, find that they prefer the modesty and security of a baggier, fuller style.”

Ms. Rosenberg continued on Dr. Morton’s trajectory. “Lace would definitely be in. Blacks, greys, and whites, as well. The boxier the cut, the better. I think students would find the change refreshing—hip, even. Though, not having to do with hips. That would not be acceptable. Not at all.”

Acceptable clothing options will be available at the PUC Bookstore for approximately 400% market value, in order to make the transition easier.

HELP!! We Like Sportz, and We Don’t Care Who Knows!

Posted on 01. Apr, 2010 by Erika Kim in Sports

This article was never meant to make it into the paper! My editor has no idea that it slipped past him. I know you guys have been getting annoyed by the lack of sports articles in the actual printed version of the paper, and trust me, so have I. Despite the fact that I know nothing about sports, I’ve been trying to the articles to you since the beginning of the school year.

I’ve tried everything from working with the design editor to slip it in after the paper was given the final ok before printing to walking into the copy center with the articles copied to a USB drive, hidden in a magazine while wearing a trench coat, giant sunglasses, and handkerchief around my hair to hide my identity. Unfortunately, he has taken every precaution in anticipation of such an incident, so none of these attempts have worked. In fact, I can’t even begin to explain how I managed to get this one past him. All I can say is it involved rubber bands, illegal immigrants from Romania, and balloon animals.

Every time I’ve been caught, I’ve suffered the consequences. Obviously the editor hasn’t fired me because that would arouse too much suspicion, but he has pressured me to quit my job by threatening to jujitsu me to death and making severe cuts to my salary. Not only that, but he has encouraged the rest of the staff to make racial slurs and misogynistic comments towards me.

This is a cry for help! I’m trying to gather an army of supporters to overthrow the current editor. I’m taking a might equals right approach to this mutiny, and that will require the support of the most physically fit group of people on campus, who, conveniently enough, tend to be the ones who would read the sports articles. Win-win situation!

Sports articles are what the student body wants, so if I became the editor, I would print articles about point values and something that involves goals and round things that get kicked, hit and/or thrown… maybe something about running… and broomsticks. Ohhh wait, I’m mixing soccer, basketball, and quidditch together. Well, I won’t be writing the articles, but promise to hire people who know how to write about sports.

If you’re a student who supports this cause, go ahead and meet me outside of the C2 office in the Campus Center on April 1^st at 5:00 P.M., and we will make a stand that will never be forgotten; the kind that will be rewarded with cake and a dance party!

So Peter, by the time you read this, it will be too late. An army of rebel supporters will soon be rallying to my side, and you know what that means? A group of super fit, probably super hot people will be overthrowing you soon! And your Omni-assistant editor will be leading the rebellion! On the other hand, if I fail to gather this army of support, you will probably fire me and I will lose my job, and that would really suck. But I understand that some causes are worth the risks and there are some sacrifices that are necessary.

Colleen Ueichi! For obvious reasons, I’ve had to keep this project secret, but now that everyone knows this won’t be an issue: If you want to be partners in leading this revolution, contact me at secretsportseditor.c2puc@ioftenwonderwhyoutlooklivehassomanyissues.com to collaborate on getting sports articles in print. Vive la resistance!